How Your Friends Affect Your Happiness

In my last post I spoke about Spending Time Wisely and this post is almost a continuation of that theme. How often have you spent time with someone, then left and felt dragged down by the encounter? If, like me, you only have limited amounts of time in which to socialise, it’s important that you choose to spend your time with positive people who help you feel good. I read recently that you are the sum total of the five people you spend the most time with - so choose wisely! Not everyone is naturally positive or able to spread their joy, and some people are full of pain or sadness. In that case, you can be the one to bring the positivity to the party. It is amazing the affect you can have on others – even a little drip drip of positive language or reframing of words can make an impact over time.

There is a pre-supposition in NLP which says ‘we cannot not influence each other’ - because we are all connected and are part of a living system.* So if you believe that...

Why not choose to be with others who contribute to your overall happiness?

Top Tips for Choosing 'Positive Friends'

• Think about which people in your life make you feel your happiest, most alive and energised self. Make arrangements to see them more.
• Find like-minded people and people with similar interests. If you don't know anyone with your interests, find them through groups like Meet-up.
• Spend time with people who you find exciting.
• Get involved in events which bring people together.
• When confronted by negativity, gently re-phrase what the person says. Chances are they are so used to their way of thinking; it might be a refreshing change.
• Try to reduce the encounters you have with anyone who drags you down.
• If the people who think in a negative way can’t be avoided, gently challenge their way of thinking by turning their thoughts into more positive ones. Over time, this will have some degree of impact.

If you are giving your time to others and are not happy with how you feel afterwards, there may be deeper issues at play. Examine what is causing the bad feelings and try to isolate them. This may need to change or be eliminated somehow. Drop me a line to find out how coaching could help.

*You can read more about social network theory in the book Connected by Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler which you can find in the shop. 

As always, if you like what you have read, use the buttons to share it with others, or leave me a comment or question below :)

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Self coaching Tip: Tend Your Garden, Visit Your 'Wells'

This afternoon I finally spent some time in my garden. I have been meaning to get out there to remove the dead plants and replace them with beautiful living ones for weeks, but given that we are currently experiencing a rather 'rainy drought' it hasn't been very conducive to getting down to work. However, today was perfect: sunny, warm and bright :) I really enjoyed being outdoors and actually felt hot while I was working! (For my international readers, it hasn't been very summery yet, even though it's May!)

In all I was out there for about 2 hours, and it felt lovely to feel the outdoor air in my lungs and the sun on my skin. Even though I go out for walks regularly, it made me remember how much I love being outside in the garden, looking after my plants.

Here are some of my freshly potted plants:

 

It reminded me of something I learnt long ago about 'wellness'. I was on a course about Circle Time (which is when teachers and their classes sit in a circle and talk about personal or social issues e.g. bullying) - run by the Circle Time guru Jenny Mosely. In amongst all of the ways for teachers to support our pupils' wellbeing was something, which at that time I did not think was mentioned enough - the wellbeing of the teachers.

The idea is that we have many 'wells' where we go to explore and enjoy life. Gardening is one of the activities that covers many of these wells, and the idea is to find a balance between them and visit each of them regularly. Teachers in particular tend to work flat out in term time, only taking a break (and visiting the wells) in the holidays. As some one who has lived through that job and has come out the other side, I can safely say, that is not conducive to living a healthy lifestyle. 

 So what are these wells, and what do they include? I'll describe them here:

The Cognitive Well:

This includes reading, watching plays, films, theatre,debating ideas, planning or structuring ideas and thinking things through. Using logic to form arguments or understand information. These are traditionally thought of as more left-brain activities. Just like a muscle, the mind shrinks if it is unstimulated, so use it or lose it!

Cognitive Well: I always have a book or Kindle in my bag for journeys

The Emotional Well:

This is filled when you make time for fun and enjoying the company of others through stable loving relationships with a partner, family or friends. This well provides opportunities to express feelings in supportive relationships. (I would add to that, it is important to surround yourself with positive people. If people in your family or friend circles bring you down, it's time to meet some new people to redress the balance.)

Emotional Well: Having fun in the sun

 The Creative Well

The purpose of this well is to enjoy all of your senses and imagination; a place to appreciate all of the arts -writing, drawing, singing, dancing, playing with colour, texture, sound, scent, taste and movement. In NLP the representational systems that we experience life through are known as VAKOG - visual, auditory, kinesthetic, olfactory and gustatory. If you are stronger in one sense than another, it is likely that you function in that sense a lot e.g. A creative person is likely to be predominantly visual. The key to improving your overall experience of life is to work on improving your other senses e.g. Taking dance classes to experience more of your kinesthetic side or cookery classes to improve your olfactory and gustatory senses.

Creative Well: Watching Poi being performed in Thailand

The Physical Well

In order to enjoy good emotional health, it is important that you are physically healthy too. Exercising regularly, learning relaxation techniques including deep breathing and stretching, having massages, eating well, drinking more water and ensuring that you get enough sleep are all good ways to improve the life of the body you are living in. I think physical closeness and human touch are important too.

Physical Well: Secret kisses

The Spiritual Well

This is about renewing your sense of wonder and awe with the world. You may reach this level through your religious beliefs, through meditation or by taking time to be in nature or by just sufficiently stilling the mind so you can experience energy, beauty and grace. I find that travel, seeing new places and learning about the extraordinary achievements of others remind me of how tiny I am am how huge the universe is!

Spiritual Well: Looking out into The Atlantic Ocean, Madeira

Which wells do you visit most often? 

Do you tend to stick to certain ones and neglect others? 

Are there areas of your life that you could explore to improve your quality of life?

Find the balance within yourself and visit all of the wells on a regular basis

Looking at these now, I realise how much progress I have made over the last few years. There was a time, not so long ago, that I hardly visited any of these wells at all, as I was living a different (unfulfilled) life. I'm happy to say, that I am now living every day to the full and will never neglect my own well-being again.

I'd love to hear what you think about this post, so as always, leave me a comment below or on Facebook or in the Twitterverse!

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Glass half full?

You know the expression - 'is the glass half full or half empty?' - a common idiom meaning to discover whether a person views an event or events with an optimistic or pessimistic point of view. It implies that your answer shows a leaning towards one way of thinking, and perhaps indicate how you view things generally in life. I would argue that in NLP terms, our words shape our thoughts and vice versa so if we say negative words, we believe negative thoughts (which could also be described as negative energy) and the programming we have had since we were children often just repeats a pattern of learnt behaviour.

So if we can learn a behaviour, we can un-learn a behaviour - or to start with, a pattern of speaking. If we change the way we speak about ourselves, for example, we can change the way we think about ourselves and ultimately feel about ourselves.

 Amazing, isn't it? So next time you think 'oh I am so rubbish at this', or 'this always happens' - stop and check yourself.

What happens if you change the words you are saying? Is the glass really half full or is it the way you are choosing to perceive it?